when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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