I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
