can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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