I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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