Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
