guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
