and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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