you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
