I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
