Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
