I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
