She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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