woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
