We won't sleep together?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
