Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
