I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
