Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
