im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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