So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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