You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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