I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
