what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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