Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
