why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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