I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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