I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
