i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
