Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
