I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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