new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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