i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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