Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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