the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
