she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
