just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
