A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
