Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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