I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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