My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
