I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
