I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
