True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
