Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
