I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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