Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
