Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
