You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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