Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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