oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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