Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
