I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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